It’s my birthday. =]
Been dipping my toes back into noir lately. It’s turning into a novella in size due to the fun I’m having with it. I think I may have invented a new model for serial killers. Instead of the usual demonology-based hallucinations and psychotic breaks found in too much work, my character is a proto-aspergian with an even rarer occurrence of hyper-empathy. His hallucinations are based in scientific fact and theory. His world is constantly being broken down into particles and everything is under the constant scrutiny of psychoanalysis. It borrows from Dexter in the sense he hunts monsters, except these are the real world monsters. The jaded journalists, the corporate mongrels, the hate spewers hiding behind ancient blueprints for infinite love, and the narrow scientific results only blood money can buy. This “art” is for a graduate school thesis on the core foundations in all humanity that societies should be built from, but are often ignored because people don’t put it out there as much as controversy built from confused or manipulated thought. Their deaths are recorded experiments in the name of science because when convenient morals, the day-to-day focus on personal gain, and the pursuit of possessions for happiness are stripped away: we all die saints.
At first, it seemed like another thing I’d tuck in a file somewhere because other than the obvious social commentary and moral bending there’s not much else going for it. Except then I mapped out an ending tonight and had one of those rare, “I can’t believe I thought up that shiz” moments. That’s all this status is. Ignorant gloating about a fictitious thing.
Hope you enjoyed it as much as I.
There’s an education not found in classrooms. All it takes is a few sentences to plant the seeds and afterwards, it’s a matter of watering the garden. The truth is everything is far simpler than people have led us to believe. We just are not being given the proper foundation to “begin” the growing process.
We must look at the spaces between our fingers and realize what comes between them is not emptiness, but an invisible matter that allows everything to be. This for a while may invade your mind with severe complexities – maybe you have already thought of this with journeys into sciences or physics – but even without such a venture, all that naming, cataloguing and compartmentalizing can be summarized by visualizing that everything in existence is varying sizes of electricity interacting. This space or emptiness however, has always been there. Meaning it is not “allowing” anything to be, it has all just always been one thing.
This is not only true for the world, but the universe and within our minds. Not understanding this way of everything is the cause of many misleading thoughts and as conditioned humans they are hard to escape. Ever noticed how we compartmentalize our educational subjects? Ever noticed only people put beginnings and endings into everything? It’s nearly impossible to break this pattern of thought, but endings are an invention of humankind. Everything is connected and nothing concludes. Everything becomes something else. Planets become stars. Stars explode matter into other cosmic homes. When people die their atoms join with other things. There is no black and white. No good and evil. No love and hate. No beginning or end. No left or right. There is no side to take on anything. Everything is ever-changing and never-ending. This may very well go against centuries upon centuries of condensed intellectual thought and there will be people on different sides of these imaginary lines: Some will call this spiritual crap and others will call it blasphemy, or rather heresy. It’s because it’s scary to see absolutely everything is connected and people are just telling the same stories perpetually. They only find different expressions and develop new language for it, be it science, religion, or any subject.
As the mental walls begin to come down, it becomes apparent nothing is impossible. All subject matter ceaselessly intertwines and knowledge is a far less complicated puzzle than experts portray. There is nothing we can’t learn and nothing we can’t become. We just have to claw our way out of mental traps we have set for ourselves over the ages and cast aside this version of ourselves we were somehow convinced was the extent of our potential. Erase these lines and realize the only indisputable truth everything in the world silently screams:
We were always infinite.
CHECK IT OUT:
“Laramore Black’s Self-Loathing & Other Forms of Cynicism takes aim at the various institutional machinations that conspire to thwart the independent thinker via economic enslavement. Which is another way of saying, Black’s mixed-media blend is a great big Fuck You to the Powers That Be. Black immerses himself in the life to speak for the marginalized, rallying against conformity, prisons for profit and morals for sale. His passion for remaining true proves a powerful ally in the good fight against the corrupt pricks. This is some serious old-school frontline reportage. Hunter S. would be proud.”
— Joe Clifford, author of Junkie Love and Lamentation.
Feeling pretty goddamn proud this morning, thanks Joe…
#XLDissent: Students overtake DC to demand climate action
March 2, 2014
Over 500 students are risking arrest Sunday as they handcuff themselves to the White House fence, placing their bodies on the line in what many say may be a “watershed” moment for a generation. Under the banner XL Dissent, over one thousand college students are descending on the White House to force President Obama to face the individuals whose future is imperiled by current U.S. climate policy.
"Our generation is going to be stuck with the reality of decisions made now about whether to invest in destruction or the future," Smith College student Aly Johnson-Kurts told Common Dreams ahead of the demonstration. “We are realizing we cannot sit idly by, or we will not have a future to fight for.”
Beginning at 10 AM with a rally in Georgetown, the demonstrators will march to Lafayette Park, beside the White House, where they will hold a rally. En route, the protest will stop in front of Secretary of State John Kerry’s house to display a banner that reads “Sec. Kerry: Don’t Tar Your Legacy,” in reference to the pending Keystone XL tar sands pipeline decision, which has become a major flashpoint for the climate movement.
During the protest, demonstrators will also drop a 40 by 60 foot banner, cut to look like an oil spill, right on Pennsylvania Ave.
According to Jamie Henn, a co-founder of 350.org, upwards of 500 people are preparing to get arrested for handcuffing themselves to the White House fence. In preparation, many of the demonstrators took part in a mass civil disobedience training Saturday night.
In what promises to be the largest student-led civil disobedience action at the White House in a generation, many are saying that XL Dissent could become a watershed moment for a generation whose lives are guaranteed to be impacted by current climate change inaction.
“We’re building a culture of resistance,” Tufts University junior Evan Bell told Todd Zimmer of the Rainforest Action Network.
"The students taking part here in XL Dissent see their democratic responsibilities as extending beyond the voting booth," Henn wrote on the eve of the action. “If anything, the Obama administration seems to have solidified the impression that even the most youth-friendly candidates need to be pushed, protested, and forced into living up to their rhetoric.”
According to organizers, XL Dissent was not an initiative of the major environmental groups—though many have pledged their support. Instead, it was completely conceived and organized “from below,” by the students themselves. Many see it as a way to connect with the disparate groups, including First Nations, refining communities, ranchers and farmers, who—much like young people—are most directly impacted by climate change and energy policy.
"More and more, these young people are placing their hope in distributed networks of resistance, rather than in a president who ran on hope as a platform," wrote Zimmer. “They’re hovering in a space between fear, anger, and radical hope. They know their futures are on the line and feel more accountable to each other and frontline communities than elected politicians.”
Though the President’s pending approval of the Keystone pipeline has catalyzed many of the protesters, the demonstration Sunday “is about so much more than just one pipeline,” as Michael Greenberg, a 20-year-old sophomore at Columbia University, told Common Dreams.
"For me XL Dissent is about young people standing together and engaging in a bold act of civil disobedience, and through this, demonstrating our commitment to making this world a more humane, peaceful, and inclusive place to live," Greenberg continued.
"President Obama and D.C. policymakers need to take a hard look at who police will arrest this Sunday," Zimmer continued. "Some of those arrested will still be in high school. XL Dissent should give Obama pause, and force the president to consider who loses if Big Oil wins. He should see his own daughters in the faces of those who are arrested at his doorstep this weekend."
That’s what comes to mind as we are about to enter the month of March because on the 11th, I age another year. Twenty-three freakin’ years old. Birthdays to other people seem cause for celebration, but to me it’s the same as when the New Year comes and everyone is noticing their regrets outweigh their accomplishments. It’s a reminder of all I’ve yet to carry out and hope to. It might seem…
One of my oldest childhood friends has a ReverbNation with several free to download tracks. Check it out, or fuck you.1
Alternative | Hope Mills, NC
To the non-existent girl of my dreams: It’s your Manic Depression with near Paranoid Schizophrenic symptoms that can also be filed under both Social Anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorders coupled with your near High-Functioning Autism-like lack of emotion at times they are completely unnecessary that make me adore you. From the intimate bouts of tearful hyper-empathy for every face behind a single digit in statistics dying because of vehement selfishness, to the way you hide when a stranger enters the front door because everyone is a psychological and biological equation that is almost never worth solving, and that almost sadistic mutual understanding to deal with one another’s morning breath when facing each other in bed just to share a little bit more carbon before our conscious time is through on this planet. Maybe our attempts to get out and do things will only be to change the protocols in our future generation’s epigenetics, but such logic is all it takes and that’s just if it’s safe to have kids at some point from drastic world changes because when you look at the statistics now going into the future, it’s a very immoral thing to bring someone into a world with a chance of global power outages and food riots by 2055. Regardless though, whether it’s putting our heads together to fix this mess or gambling with genetics to put together someone with twice the potential while pulling at strings to become their greatest investor, we can do the incredible. Be it at the top of the world after a long climb or hiding safely away from all the madness in our home (or some crazy commune or out on the streets or someone else’s home because all our systems operate on a more valuable currency). And when they come to tear you down and trust me, they will. I will help you reference the sources to put the wrongs right or make them eat your words with the help of a thousand others’ work and all the ones that came before.
I’d tell you: you’re not crazy, just getting too near perfect. So forgive this earliest of interactions between us if it’s flawed, it’s just the best love letter my current abilities could afford.
I’ve decided to refer to this all as an experiment, as there is really no other way for this to be seen in a positive light. Over the course of the last two months on medication there was a tremendous change in how outgoing I was (at least to me), everything had a more positive feeling attached to it, colors seemed more vibrant, and I had more confidence and devotion toward my projects. As the days go on there is this confusion and fear that appears to be growing. If I had to paint a picture comparison between the two sets of mind, the one that would represent me now would be someone peeking through a barely cracked door and outside there’s nothing but little horrors. The previous would be someone outside in the sunlight without the fear of those nearly insignificant possibilities within the daily life gambling equations most don’t think about. Every car at the intersection triggers a fight-or-flight response. Words seem almost unreal at times and there’s this overly self-conscious mental debate before they leave my lips, like factoring in the emotional response of whoever is receiving them. Sometimes there’s an over encumbering need to verify all the information I relay, which is somewhat normal but everything feels wrong even if my memory has the precise book to reference along with the chapter to find the info. The over-analysis of body language used to determine the amount of knowledge or exformation possessed by others about any given subject only adds to the confusion when being so self-conscious. The idea of leaving someone else confused or talking to someone as if they are a child are a second-to-second cause of anxiety. A humorous example of this would be wondering if in order to explain a particular subject like something in the news is to debate on the idea of first teaching them how to learn information that matters within the crap relayed to them daily by explaining how to learn which can go all the way back to “basics” like, “These are words. We use them to communicate with each other. Insert brief summary of the history of our languages developing. Insert summary of brain matter involved and improvement methods for the short-term memory within the neocortex in order to retain more in the long-term. Recommend books on building memory castles. Insert off subject tangent about the possible existence of a connectome within our minds that defines who we are based on the overall knowledge it contains because of what that might mean for long-term memory storage and our so-called individual personalities. Explain the effects that words have within our biology and the way every word we use or truly listen to has the potential to cause a landslide of internal changes at the molecular level. Make barely humorous joke about relation of vibrations and electrical currents from various chemical interactions inside the brain because of our thoughts might slightly affect our surroundings and how this basic idea in quantum physics likely had an earlier intuitive beginning many know as “prayer”. Explain how using words is like painting and any practicing artist can make people believe anything with marketing psychology tidbits and point them in the direction of certain Socrates and Plato lessons that will equip them with ways to combat a rampant madness festering in most of humanity because of conflicting narrow-minded opinions we take in daily without knowing how we are allowing it to change us at a molecular level. Tell them about mirror neuron growth as the science behind empathy and empathy being the lesson religious texts and philosophers have been trying to teach for years. In other words, there is a non-violent, non-conflicting, and totally accepting of all things ability to have a more all encompassing level of thought in which all thoughts in their mind work toward progress rather than settling scores. Ask them if they can finally see why people are so confused now and how such knowledge is the responsibility every person has to learn if they actually want to be a “good” person. Tell them finally: This is why I don’t give a single shit, let alone a bucket of shits about what Justin Bieber is up to and congratulate them on taking the first steps toward maximum human potential.”
Instead I respond internally: Keep your freak mouth shut, you deranged freakazoid. It’s no wonder people hate you. Go stuff your fat mouth with more energy to expend during your short stay on this rock and while you’re at it, use your thought vibrations to stop the tears from coming out your big ‘ole dumb face holes. Don’t speak a word because nobody could give two shits about anything you have to say. If they try to push your stupid out of you, say something more commonplace and even more dull. Either way has always always made you friends, right? Dumbo.
Summary (I think): I need medication as badly as some people need an advanced level of education spewed at them on Tumblr. Stat.
Give me a reason.
(Well, except that one that was all like:
Sylvia Plath, please
put my bun up in
your oven and not
your freakin’ head…)
It’s always the same story unheard
from the youth singing along to sounds
produced without using the right words
so ball your fists and hit the ground
let it reverberate through your nervous system
causing an earthquake in every thought in existence
let explosions inside demand: THIS CAN’T BE!
it’s another love’s goodbye making a heart shatter
(probably sent via text message or some empty venue)
but I’m here to tell there’s a way out of madness
no matter how many times you’ve been kicked around
with tidal waves of severe sadness making your life scatter
you held onto what slivers you could because you felt
if you gave up that love held inside, it wasn’t real to begin with
but you’ll never find the answer in those Youtube lyric videos
or on the radio for a mainstream composed of bleeding heartstrings.
Take all the pieces you have left for someone not coming back
and give it away to a stranger or the first person you came to hate
even if you think you feel it in your bones they are the only one
you can’t force love out of one who is already so far gone
and no matter how many times you cry as a chorus refrains
your tears will not be able to trace love that no longer leaves stains
hit mute in your head to take a few moments to breathe
then when you’ve gathered yourself to attempt retracing steps
you’ll find the people you gave yourself away to are already there
to give the pieces back with selected bits of their own stitched in
and together you’ll be, “stronger in the broken places”
without even thinking about going out the Hemingway
because your life is worth it and that person just wasn’t
even if it means you’ll be a freak of emotional transparency
to those trained to hide behind a façade of loathing called individuality
look those people who judge you right in their fucking eyes and say,
“I MIGHT BE FRANKENSTEIN, BUT I’VE GOT A HEART
AND IT’S BIG ENOUGH TO NEVER TAKE UP TORCHES.”
And smile real big, kids –
because you now know the secret:
selflessness creates infinite possibilities
and with it you’re bigger than anyone
who has ever tried to annihilate you
so don’t look outside yourself for sympathy
be that change you want to see in the world
by instead offering everyone an incredible empathy
‘cause all those late nights with chord progressions
of another sad person who cried their way famous
don’t do anything but provide a soundtrack to a movie
called FALLING APART starring only you, where you can’t quite
decide if the scene where the razor plays your wrists
to avoid more tragedy should have been at the start, the end,
or completely cut out from the screenplay
but the story behind the singers of the songs is they didn’t give up
(or found a way through art to hang on for others)
and if you can’t make the decision to live, let me do it for you:
Have you ever looked at something and wondered how it works?
The world is full of incredible things like sciences and physics
and if you’ve ever wondered why people do the things they do
only to have someone tell you, “no one will ever know.”
It’s just a lazy answer and god damn it, because it is wrong!
The knowledge is out there and it’s just a matter of looking,
and if you can’t live for yourself, then do it for someone else
even just holding on a little longer is setting an example
meaning every second the clock ticks and your heart beats
you’re the music keeping people out there breathing
and trust me, their friends and family are grateful
so take this poem and always call it your own
scream it both on the inside and out because even
if the world isn’t our orchestra, we’re the music
that secretly keeps the world spinning on
and if you fall or need to know someone cares
just keep coming back here to this moment.
And I promise,
someday you’ll grow strong.
–Laurance Friend (me)
Dedicated to Shane Koyczan for new found inspiration.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I’d take isolation from the rampant insanity of this world, a mountain of books, and someone to love. Or make a difference in the world among all that insanity, just enough books, and to love all. In the end, our options are to be worm poop or burnt up particles. Happiness is a matter of shaking hands with that supposed darkness, seeing it isn’t at all as bad you’ve been led to believe and spending the rest of your life in search of only smiles, simply because by being born you have the right to do so.
2. What is your greatest fear?
A year ago I’d have told you something specific – a fleeting thing like not being important to people – but now I find I don’t fear anything and when I do it’s a creation of my psyche to keep life interesting.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I don’t really deplore anything, but I have had occasional bouts with regretting the past. An example would be the self-conscious way I often smile without revealing my teeth or partially covering my mouth when talking to someone up close. It’s more to save people a battle within their heads a society of “personalities” within the glossy magazines/television screens and the varying ideals of being so-called good people they’ve learned to believe from their elders. I believe it’s just the way my mind works or some kind of convenient insanity, but even those wrong deserve empathy. My messed up teeth are a trophy to me though, they only show I survived years of socially acceptable self-abuse and cruel people.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Herman Hesse once wrote, “If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” The definition of deplore is to dislike, meaning it’s just a way our language has evolved to make our hate seem like less. In learning to love everything about yourself, you no longer need to add to this confusion and instead will only offer your heart.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
I admire any meat sack of atoms that does beautiful, selfless things. The story of how they formed from all the variables since the beginning of time and the choice to continue being incredible is so amazing.
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
I sometimes like salsa and cheese on my frozen burritos, if you mean materialistic things. The greatest one though is my imagination and growing capacity of hope. No matter how horrible the situation I find myself facing I can hide within, unharmed by anything in what I can explain to others as only as a big ball of light I’ve kept hidden. I make it grow everyday and patiently wait to let it explode in all directions.
7. What is your current state of mind?
Contemplative because I’m being asked questions.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Any virtues that condense the flavors of life into a single package or way of thinking.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
I would lie to stop harm from coming to others or myself.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I believe I answered this thoroughly already, but I’ll keep playing. I suppose wish I could update my wardrobe to match what’s inside. The only sweatshirt I own has Bukowski’s face on it. It’s a leftover from a time I only agreed with people that had virtues only in place for selfish things they want. I worry his face on my chest says to women who have studied him in full that I plan to make them my temporary mom and lie about it in a cocky way later. If I had the ability to choose what I wear, I’d wear the face of someone I find truly inspiring or custom button up shirts made up of pictures of the universe.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
There isn’t one.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
An ability to love without needing it in return.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
An ability to love without needing it in return*.
*Side note: I really love the term androgynous. It’s often mistaken with other terms of sexuality, but in the way Plato used it originally it simply means one who does not define themselves by gender roles. Plato thought maybe this is how people once were and could someday once again be. To me, it’s just another way of tearing down the walls we put up in our minds that stop them from being truly open. More or less, if I knew how to paint a woman’s fingernails and they’d ask me to, I will. I like to sit how I want when I want. I will enjoy something marketed at women if I choose to.
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Sometimes I will come up with a line and use it until it finds its final resting place because it simply can’t get better or I move onto another new thing. I’ve been known to have a bit of an annoyance for repetitions though, I believe it comes from the work I do. Too many nights in my youth drunkenly editing stained into my psyche in the past, maybe. That and people have a habit of repeating the same conversations knowing nothing new will be contributed. It’s one thing to give an overview of previous discussions before attempting to go into something new or those default lines we use to strike up conversations, but when it’s a means to an end every time it happens I take my thoughts elsewhere.
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Myself, so in return I can truly love those that love me back.
16. When and where were you happiest?
There’s never a better time to be happy than right now.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
I’d prefer this question to be framed as, “what talents will you someday have?” An example is that I’m not a good painter, but one day I will learn how to paint.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Nothing at the moment.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being published and getting to know so many incredible people. I feel as though in our relationships we share all our accomplishments and with every stride we make our bond grows stronger.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
It’d either be beginning with the knowledge I have now in any human body, or a dog. Dogs are so happy.
21. Where would you most like to live?
I would like to travel and never stop.
22. What is your most treasured possession?
My books and writings.
23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
24. What is your favorite occupation?
Whatever one I’m doing.
25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I have the idea maybe I shouldn’t think on this and instead leave it up to others.
26. What do you most value in your friends?
The ability to grow from their presence. People of my age often compartmentalize everything, like the study of one specific subject. When I find there is something new to learn, I join them in the pursuit.
27. Who are your favorite writers?
Salinger was once my main answer to this question, mostly because he was the only person I had read I took such meaning from for so long. He set in place breadcrumbs for me to follow to the feast. For instance, Salinger put deep questions out into the mainstream. There are those who devoted their lives to finding the answers to those though. I recommend Hermann Hesse and the entire beatnik generation.
28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Jesus, Horus, Brahma, or Mohammad because of the trillions of books with the same characters.
29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Damn, there are so many and each has their own bits that make up who I am and what I want to be. There’s Siddhartha Gotama (Buddha and I don’t include him in the fiction because there’s significant evidence of his existence) because he drew a map for expanding human consciousness in a time before our expansive knowledge. There are others like him more recently, like Mohandas Gandhi who saw ways to bring people together who thought they couldn’t live in harmony based on a narrow view taught to them. There are others who have stood in the face of adversity for a just cause as well, like MLK or Nelson Mandela. That said, each has their own bits recorded in which people who look for the bad in all things will find something to tear all the good they’ve done to pieces. For instance, Gandhi is said to have “tested his celibacy” by sleeping with underage women. People who do such as this do not take the overview perspective of the matter, such as variables like it was common in the cultures he was within. It’s only awful to people in more developed countries speaking from a narrow view. If he had lived in a world such as today where the internet has taken the walls down between cultures and the level of information that is freely attainable, I wonder if he’d done the same.
Such can’t be answered for certain, either way. Evil does not take away from good, or visa versa.
I suppose the most important teaching to ever be taught and has cost so many lives – even today – is one taught by Socrates. One of the last things he ever opposed was a group called the Sophists’ narrow views. They were narrow in the sense there were variables not taken into account or other views that had proven some of their teachings wrong. The Sophists instead taught their students the art of never losing an argument, ways to deflect ever admitting you were wrong or changing our view.
Things seem so black and white like that laid out in a history book, but it probably wasn’t then and it definitely isn’t now. In the developing world though, we have many versions of Sophists. People are taught the same things from specific political parties, religious groups, or news organizations. We are asked to align ourselves with the narrow view that aligns with our other ones best. Hardly anyone is out on the streets pointing this out because it takes a high level of thought to see it, but that doesn’t mean we should all just be lazy or leave it up to someone else to change.
It’s not all right.
30. Who are your heroes in real life?
Anyone making that change and the people who spend their lives to increase humanity’s knowledge.
31. What are your favorite names?
The ones of everyone I have and will come to meet.
32. What is it that you most dislike?
I’ve answered this thoroughly enough.
33. What is your greatest regret?
Allowing myself to be ignorant for so long.
34. How would you like to die?
The way I will.
35. What is your motto?
“Selflessness creates infinite possibilities.” – me